Reports of Tim Cook’s demise are greatly exaggerated

The Macalope knows his charming and erudite readers are well-versed in all the theories of quantum superposition, particularly the famous Schrödinger’s cat theory.

Or, well, you’ve at least read the Wikipedia entry about it. Or skimmed it, like the Macalope has.

The point is, he’s done the relevant research for a mythical beast who makes a joke about it twelve or more times a year.

But what you may not know is that Schrödinger put forth other Wikipedia-eligible theories, such as the lesser-known Schrödinger’s well. Schrödinger’s well describes the case of a theoretical author of a jokey column about Apple goes to the well of Schrödinger’s cat jokes so many times that a state of quantum entanglement is triggered, and it becomes impossible to tell where the author of a jokey column about Apple ends and the Schrödinger’s cat jokes begin.

All this is just to say that the Macalope is very aware that he is, in reality, just 400,000 Schrödinger’s cat bits in a trench coat. You don’t have to email him about it. You don’t have to stop him on the street. Please stop throwing bricks through his window.

He knows who he is.

Which brings us to one Tim “Tim” Cook. (Some call him “Tim”? Nay. Everyone calls him “Tim”.) Cook has had a Schrö-dinger of a November, one in which his continued existence seems to depend on how he is being observed and by whom.

Just ten days ago, the Financial Times published a report under four bylines saying: “Apple intensifies succession planning for CEO Tim Cook” In it, the Times suggests that Cook could announce his retirement as soon as spring of 2026 to give the news time to jell in order to have a smooth WWDC in June, one unmarred by rioting, violence, depravity and any appearance by Drake.

Rumors of Cook’s retirement have been in the air for several years now as the CEO approached his 65th birthday. Hard to remember that just a half-century ago, a 65-year-old CEO would be automatically forced into retirement in the sub-volcanic lair of their choosing.

“Here is a billion dollars, a cat, and a hundred flunkies in silver jump suits. Enjoy. Oh, the sharks for the moat arrive Tuesday. They got held up in customs.”

It was a simpler time.

Tim Cook’s chairmanship has been marked by unprecedented growth and profit for Apple, but nothing lasts forever but the Earth and sky, and, honestly, we’re not at all sure about the Earth.

But, wait! Here comes Bloomberg’s Mark Gurman, busting into the room out of breath after having fruitlessly asked his many product chain sources about a possible change in the A-suite:

He has some choice words about the Financial Times report.

I believe the story was simply false.

Mark Gurman, Bloomberg

A false story, you say?! In a major publication, you say?! Well, I never!

While it’s tempting to think of Cook twisting his neck and saying, “I’m gettin’ too old for this stuff,” even if he does step down as CEO, there’s a very good chance he will stay on with the company in an executive capacity, as John Gruber suggests.

I would also bet that Cook moves into the role of executive chairman, and will still play a significant, if not leading, role for the company when it comes to domestic and international politics. Especially with regard to Trump.

Indeed, it seems cruel to throw likely successor John Ternus to the wolves like that. After all, he’s only 50 years old.

Fortunately and unfortunately, it is unlikely that even with an executive change of this magnitude that Apple’s strategies and policies will be vastly altered anytime in the near future. You don’t mess with (financial) success. If and when John Ternus takes over as CEO, don’t expect Apple’s stance on the App Store or its Vichy-esque appeasement of authoritarian regimes to change. Ternus may bring a stronger product focus to the company; however, maybe one less focused on services revenue and one with more of an eye toward cool hardware.

So, at least the bread and circuses might be good.